#71

I never acknowledge that IT was a problem before. That IT was an anomaly existing inside of me – I knew IT was unusual but I accepted it as if IT was a part of me.

And I felt comforted by IT – like it was a safeplace for me to go. And that’s okay because IT wanted me and I wanted IT.

I was addicted to IT. More and more I went for IT and more and more IT was consuming me.

IT was tearing part of me, so little at first I hardly noticed. Bit by bit, piece by piece and I start detaching people around me until hardly there was anyone left.

I started making excuses for IT. I lied, I came up with just anything only to be with IT. Because now I needed IT – to survive, to live, to be normal.

And I believed it was normal. I believed it was okay. I believed IT was for me as I was for IT.

But it never was. IT was never there for me.

#70

I lost pieces of me. To you, to everyone else.

I gave part of me away. Sometimes too small to notice.

But I’m left; desolated.

#69

I spread myself thin. Too thin. And I am afraid how much further can I go.

-V.H

#68

I’m scared of how it is all coming back to me. It took a long time for me to be at this place right now. Yet now, I am back to square one all over again.

I wish it ends soon. Or I have to end myself with it.

-V.H

#67

 

I miss your scent, your smile, the wrinkle around your eyes

But,

above all I miss us.

-V.H

#66

At this moment I’m at the lowest point in my life. I’m demotivated, I feel useless, worthless. Honestly, I feel like a piece of shit. I wake up in the morning and I don’t know what to do.

And you know what I do? I eat. I eat and eat and eat. It doesn’t make the feelings go away but it makes me occupied for a while. I felt lost, not really knowing what to do. Not knowing what ways, I can do to improve.

So, I just sat in my bed. Sometimes I go to sleep, because when I wake up the day is over. Then, I go to sleep again.  I feel like whatever I’ve been doing leading up to this have all been for nothing.

I’m fucking tired of this.

Sometimes I tried, to be positive, to just push through the day and be happy and try to make something out of it but then I am reminded of how no one really recognizes what I do.

So, what’s the point? And I just ended up stopped doing anything that I was doing.

Somehow, I need to break this cycle. Or else I would lose myself.

fuck.

-V.H

#65

Sometimes it’s necessary to fall,

Because then you’ll learn how to survive.

-V.H

#64

You don’t know me. You know one me, just like I know one you. And you can’t know every me, and I can’t know every you.

#63

Now you’re gone, and my life is split to two;

There was always the one before you, and now there is the one after you.

-V.H

 

#62

 

It’s easier to push people away, rather than letting them in.

-V.H