Today I realized that I am careless with my life.
It’s not that I want to kill myself ; but I also don’t care if anything happens to me. It’s like I am standing on a fence and waiting for the wind to push me one way or the other.
I find this comforting; as appalling as it may sounds I think this is how I have been surviving lately. I let fate or whatever you called it decides for me. It is easier this way.
Part of me is afraid; when these thoughts kept me awake at night but some of me were at ease. As if my body is made up of two entities ; one that is keeping me alive and one that wants me to sleep forever.