I hate it, all of this,” I screamed, my voice breaking. “I even hate him, even him.” A huge sob came up from my chest.
And I did, right then. I hated you for everything; for making me feel so helpless everywhere I went, for making me lose control. I hated you for all the emotions in my head, for the confusion… for the way I was suddenly doubting everything. I hated you for turning my life upside down and then smashing it into shards. I hated you for making me stand with a whirring fan in my hand, screaming at my mum.
But I hated you for something else, too. Right then, and at every moment since you’d left me, all I could think about was you. I wanted you in that apartment. I wanted your arms around me, your face close to mine. I wanted your smell. And I knew I couldn’t-shouldn’t-have it. That’s what I hated most. The uncertainty of you. You’d kidnapped me, put my life in danger… but I loved you, too. Or thought I did. None of it made sense.